Anecdote Provision Service – Jobs Available Now
As part of my work for the Anecdote Provision Service (APS) it is my pleasure to share with you another opportunity.
Purely for the simple,bored and mindless.
I present you with a choice of anecdotes. Don’t use them all at once.
Save it for when someone looks particular hopeless and accost them at random.
It’s easier if you pretend you’re me.
No Escape from the APS
Another good tip is if you approach someone who has no means of escape.
It is important that each anecdote is finished, otherwise what’s the point.
Public transport,waiting rooms and other normally tedious experiences can be transformed by using one of my anecdotes.
It is also important to do the telling in your best monotone.
Boring is always best. The worse the anecdote the more likely it is to be re-told.
Remember the APS is not about raising a smile in the telling.
It’s about making the listener the star of their own anecdote.
In the re-telling – they become the hero of the story.
These guys aren’t comedians, so you have to be more boring than they are.
That can be difficult.
Don’t worry. I’ve prepared two anecdotes from my own life to give you a great start.
TV Appearance No 1.
Stephanie Beacham, the hardly known any more actress, was opening a mall near to where I lived.
The TV cameras were there and I decided to go along.
I made sure to watch it when I got home.
I was standing on the 2nd level above her. At one point the camera panned round the crowd and was pointing right at me.
It was scheduled to be on local TV later that day.
I made sure to record it so that I could keep the moment forever.
I got home and immediately sat down to watch.
There she was – Stephanie Beacham. The camera slowly panned round to where I was standing earlier that day.
It stopped right at my left elbow.
Stephanie and I are yet to make our second TV appearance.
In England if you go for a walk in the country, all the roads are tarmacked. It can make for a nice walk as there are few cars and there isn’t any rough ground.
I often see various critters crossing the road. Caterpillars,sometimes frogs.
Sometimes when I see a caterpillar and it’s walking right up the centre of the road. It is destined for death. It will never get to the edge.
I normally try to re-direct them with my foot so that it starts walking to the side.
I made a joke that I was saving caterpillars lives. A caterpillar saver.
That wasn’t good enough.
One time I was busy re-directing a caterpillar when a car came driving towards me. I raised my hand up to stop the car.
The guy wound his window down and shouted at me. I was too busy to hear what he was saying.
I just said “It’s a caterpillar stupid.”
I calmly waited until the caterpillar got to the edge and waved the car on.
I also save frogs, which doesn’t happen as often but is still worthwhile.
I imagine I am Shirley Bassey singing Goldfinger with new words :
‘Frog saver. He’s the one, the one who saves all the frogs..’
Perhaps I should spend my time more productively.
But being boring is all part of the APS.
Remember the APS makes other people the heroes of the story.
Feel free to use these anecdotes to forcibly cheer up people’s miserable lives or contribute some inferior anecdotes of your own.
It’s a big world out there with many ears to hear.
Lets make them hear something interesting for a change.
Try going up to a random house and knock on the door. I remember my first job with the anecdote provision service.
Remember : People listen more after you tie them to a chair.
Next time you’re on public transport be sure to join someone who’s alone.
You can make their day many times over with a really bad anecdote.
Do you have any fitting anecdotes fitting for the anecdote provision service?