I’d do anything for a tidy house. I have my cat but she just gets on with her own business, and she can’t talk to me.

I  spend a lot of time with my Genie.

I could keep him in his lamp all the time but I’m a bit lonely.

So I rub him out a lot.

 

Mess

 

Each time I rub the genies lamp in my living room, there is a massive bang, whoosh

of air – he comes out growing bigger and bigger and usually does a forward roll,arms

flailing. The side table would be knocked over,ornaments. Any papers were blown

all over the place. He managed to break something different every time.

He knew I was a tidy freak.

I suspected he was doing it deliberately to try and get me to use my wishes,so that he would be free.

You would think he had lots of tales to tell but he was a bit like me really.

He spent most of his time in his room while the world continued on without him.

We would usually just hang out and watch TV and chat.

TV was a new thing for him. I introduced him to the best of the best.

 

Wish

 

I never intended to use my wishes, I’d already used one by accident.

I just got really tired of the mess he was making.

I know what you’re thinking? I should have rubbed him up outside?

You guys are amateurs.

Let me tell you something : Genie 101.

You rub that genie outside good luck to you.

You know a goldfish only gets as big as the bowl you put him in right?

Same with Genies. Outside he’s going to be as big as the Empire State.

The world is his room – Genie max.

One “Hello Timmy boy” from my outside Genie and my roof was blown clean off.

I don’t have the money for that kind of thing.

So that was my first wish. New roof required.

I’ve got to tell you – one time, I half opened the fridge door and rubbed the lamp inside the fridge.

He would come out really tiny – no mess at all..

Yeh right – that day I discovered Genie Min.

About 3 foot tall and chubby. The genies minimum size.

The plastic shelves were smashed , the genie covered in milk and soda,smiling at another thing he had broken.

So pay heed!

One day we were having a real housewives of New York Marathon.

I just got tired of him not joining in. He just couldn’t get into the Housewives.

I mean,this was the best of the best. What TV was made for.

It was really disappointing as I was really looking forward to a re-watch of the housewives of Atlanta and Orange county. I couldn’t get through that shit all by myself.

If you’re shouting at the TV alone – that’s when you’re crazy. You need company so you can pretend you’re normal.

I said “I wish my cat could talk instead of you. I might get some real conversation around here.”

Second wish wasted.

My cats first words were “You’re not watching that are you? This room is a mess.”

I left it a couple of days before I rubbed the Genie out again.

I couldn’t very well let him miss  Atlanta Wives and girlfriends. Even I wasn’t sure about that one – but you have to try them all. Nothing worse than missing a hidden gem.

The cat left the room as soon as I touched the Genie’s lamp.

Out he came, a big whoosh, falling over, knocking the TV off its stand, smashing the screen.

We stood there staring at each other. A smile filling the Genie’s face.

I had to do it, I didn’t have that kind of money for a new TV.

I still think he did it on purpose.

What would you do? Keep the wish?

Right. Nobody can live without TV.

 

From Real to Desperate

 

So now I spend my evenings with my cat.

Lets face it. The days too. I’m unemployable.

My last job was selling front doors to rabbits.

She has strong opinions on the Real Housewives,she hates Bethanny Frankel, and she won’t let me watch it anymore.

I miss them so bad.

She makes me switch over to Family Feud and she’s a bit of a wheel of fortune cat.

We were about  in the middle of watching the 30 years of back episodes of wheel when I started crying. Pat Sajak and Vanna White just kept on going. I think my cat smirked at me.

In England they did a run of Wheel of Fortune for a couple of years.

Then cancelled it.  Wake up america!

She wants a name now, and she’s very critical of me. I don’t do anything right.

I suggested “Frankel” and she launched at my face. Really scratching me quite badly.

I’m scared of her.

Frankel-stein would be a better name.

 

Help

 

You got some quality Genie advice here.

I don’t want you to waste your wishes like I did.

Help a guy out.

I just need one more wish,please.

I messed up. I lost my genie forever.

Just grant me a wish to stop my cat from speaking.

Frankel’s driving me mad.

---

 

---

Tim Willow

Oh, do you know anyone who will watch the real housewives with me?