I had an unusually rebellious childhood.
Everyone was out there having the sex,taking drugs and forcing old people to cross the road.
I was reading the bible.
Out of my own interest. Nobody I knew was religious.
I wasn’t either, I was just interested.
What were the rules behind society? What were the motives behind why people did what they did?
How could I be a good person?
I enjoyed Proverbs and the wisdom of Solomon the most.
Everywhere I go, I notice a lot of unhappy people.
I have been witness to many arguments, between couples or between friends.
So I try to use the wisdom of Solomon to solve them.
I remember once at the post office.
A couple were arguing about money. A baby in the pushchair was crying. Everyone else looking over.
I stepped in –
Can I cut your baby in two?
Result – 1 argument ended.
Ten points for the wisdom of Solomon.
I also learnt being punched in the face didn’t hurt that much.
Being kicked while you’re on the ground is worse.
Was Solomon so wise?
I was trying to resolve every argument by asking to cut a baby in two.
Did he use the sentence everywhere like me, or was he waiting for the right context?
I decided to take a Second read.
Perhaps it should be known as the patience of Solomon.
One day two women happened to be arguing about a baby and Solomon stepped in with his line – his perfect context had arrived!
He was testing to see how the real mother would react to her baby being cut in two.
Understandably she cried. Indicating she was the real mother of the child.
The patience that Solomon showed became wisdom in the hindsight of history.
It ain’t over till it’s over
After nursing my bruises and resolving a few more arguments in my mind, I ventured into the actual world to find a perfect context for my new wisdom.
In between considering lilies, I went back to my old village hoping my wisdom would stick like chewing gum to a prophets slippers.
Just past the poverty and misery on the left, was the Al fresco cafe and gift shop. A great place to demonstrate my wisdom.
I was so pleased at how clever I was.
The Patience of Tim pays off
Two women were arguing over a dog. They both wanted it and claimed it as their own.
At last I had a context that fit. They were lucky I was so wise and able to help.
Some serious Al fresco shouting was going on.
Quite normal for my village.
I stepped in.
“Can I cut your dog in two?
They looked at me.
I simply swapped a baby for a dog – I am so wise it’s ridiculous.
Man on fire.
One said “Can I have the top half?”
The other one said “I want the top half.”
“I said it first.”
The fight escalated and they started punching each other.
It took me a while to realise my mistake.
A prophet is never accepted in his own village.
I should have been pushing drugs instead of pushing wisdom.
Are there any arguments you would like me to help you solve?
Helping people is a worthy aim.
Similar to the saying “Pupils are our best teachers”, giving advice could have taught me
that I know far less than I thought I did.
Fortunately I am as thick as a chock.
I can give out my wisdom without being distracted by learning.
If any problem is too large in your life,cut it in two.
I am not as arrogant as the narrator of this piece, but equally silly.
I wrote the disclaimer after all.